The Worst Metal Albums Of 2013

It's that time again folks. 2013 is just about at an end and I've wrapped up my reviews. That means list time. Before getting into all the great albums of this waning year I've got some other albums to highlight. The cream of the crap. This is pretty much my second chance to warn people away from these disasters or just have a little fun st the expense of albums worthy of mocking. It is sort of a masochistic process as I inevitably end up listening to these trainwrecks again to write about them, but what are the holidays without some discomfort and disappointment? Let's get on with it. The following at the worst 5 albums I had the misfortune of hearing in 2013.


5. Oliva - Raise The Curtain

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What is that glare? My computer screen? Ohhh I can feel the glare of Jon Oliva fans right through my screen. Neat. Yes Oliva fans I completely loathed this album. You know that artist that you used to love back in the day and for some reason keep checking out their new stuff? That musician you used to love and for some reason have this sliver of hope they'll make something you like again? Yeah. That is Jon Oliva in a nutshell for me. I keep trying to like his new albums and end up with a musical Cleveland steamer every time. All I want is a hard hitting, raw, straight up metal album and all I get is this wacky, goofy, sometimes incredibly cheesy experimentation. It's just fucking sad. Jon Oliva's screams over aggressive heavy metal was Amazing back in the day. Now he's just farting around with anything weird he can throw into his music to make it sound as experimental as possible. No Jon Oliva... I said to make me a metal album and Hold the jazz. Just fucking shred and scream and be metal damn you. I should probably get it through my head there is not going to be another early Savatage style album, but damn it I want one and I keep listening. I'm in an abusive relationship with an obese man. Please help me.


4. Sacred Oath - Fallen

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This one is just particularly sad to write. Sacred Oath used to be sort of a point of local pride. These guys hail from my home state of Connecticut and I've always liked them.  I honestly have no idea what happened here. It's sort of puzzling. They had been on a perfectly good run of well constructed, straight ahead metal albums with good screams and riffs and then... This happened. This album just sounds purely amateur. The band doesn't even sound like they're on the same page at times. It's almost like the band suddenly and intentionally decided to make an album with the refinement of Billy Milano on meth. Sort of a St. Anger type scenario. The fact that this album comes from a singer/songwriter who owns a music studio and has many years experience in the business is just mind boggling. This is the kind of contrived raw crap that can only be made intentionally. From spoken/rap-ish vocals to the musical chaos of everyone seemingly playing a different song, this one just sounds like something a group of teenagers with a bunch of angst, but little grasp of their instruments would come up with.


3. Giant X - I

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I can't really say this one was entirely unexpected. I mean did you guys hear Rolf's other attempt at a side project Toxic Taste? That one was a glam rock train wreck that failed so hard Rolf had to pretty much reconsider and reform Running Wild. Based on that I can't say I was really expecting anything good from Giant X, but there was the hope Rolf had learned something from the experience. Well... nope. Not a thing. The more Rolf tries to branch out, the more I realize that he should probably be using the letter Rrrrr a lot as he sings about buried treasure and ships. The guy has a great flare for the epic sea tunes, but for some reason he keeps wanting to make shitty 80s arena rock. I can't say I really understand it. If this is really the sort of music Rolf would rather be making, that is kind of disappointing. I can understand his desire to do something different after singing about pirates for so many damn years, but how about a straight up metal album? Maybe something like the first couple Running Wild albums? This album just sounds dated and awful. I didn't know that X was a euphemism for a dump in Germany.


2. Geoff Tate's Queensryche - Frequency Unknown

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This is probably one of the most satisfying bad albums I've ever heard. After all Geoff Tate's pretentious douchebaggery he finally drove Queensryche to tell him to get the fuck out. Then, like the spoiled cunt he is, he ran off to make his own Queensryche album. Because obviously he should own the band name instead of... all the other band members combined. If ever it was time to put up or shut up, this was it for Tate. He had sole control and he had to prove the other members needed him more than he needed them... and he fell flat on his smug face. The real Queensryche put out a great album that got back to the progressive Metal with a vocalist who can soar like Geoff Tate was Once able to do. And what did Geoff Tate do? He put out some alt rock garbage in much the same vein as his solo stuff. Geoff made it perfectly clear hear he's not interested in metal, never really has been, and if he had his say the band would be making this shit. Geoff Tate may have had value to Queensryche in the past, but in 2013 he proved the band is much better off without him now. You've gotta love when a total shithead just gets what's coming to him.


1. Phillip H. Anselmo & The Illegals - Walk Through Exit Only

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I'm not going to beat around the bush here. This isn't even a music album. This is an album of noise. There is nothing musical about this. This is chaos and screaming and then it's over. Ever seen the part in Event Horizon where everyone is going insane in the hell dimension? Where they rip their eyes out and shit because of what they've seen? Yeah... this auditory discord is pretty much the album version of that. Total fucking chaos. Just everyone playing their own song at the same time while Phil does his best to sound tough and bad ass. You're trying too hard little Philly... too hard. It's become pretty obvious to me that most of Phil's success has come on the backs of other, more talented, musicians. Either that or he just bought into his own image (and drugs, lots of drugs) too much.

The Worst Metal Albums of 2012

With the end of 2012 around the corner it's that time of year. That magical time when every site on the net, magazine, radiostation, person on facebook, etc, etc, etc posts their picks for the year. This is all pretty subjective stuff and based on tastes, but of course I intend to get my 2 cents in as well.

This year, with the new blog, I figured I'd start off with the worst albums of 2012. Basically, I thought I'd post these turds first since posting them after the best albums seems sort of anticlimactic. Hold on to your ears because here comes the biggest pieces of shit that I've listened to this year. I try to stick to reviews I'm interested in on some level, but sometimes albums like these gets reviewed because they have a lot of buzz, are from a big name, or were released by a band I like that just took a downward turn. Whatever the reason these reviews were warnings to avoid the following albums.

Without further ado here are the 5 worst metal albums I heard in 2012...

5. Blaze Bayley - The King Of Metal

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I almost hate to give Blaze a kick while he's down, but any sympathy I feel for this guy doesn't make this album less of a trainwreck. The King of Metal features a goofy title, a band of mediocre hired guns, a budget that must have been based on what change Blaze could find in his couch, and a rough songwriting session. This album just sounds plain amateur in production and songs. Blaze Bayley - The King Of Metal? Not quite. More like a footnote in metal history based on a poor choice at vocals by Iron Maiden. I've liked some of his solo stuff, but he can barely keep a band together these days and I don't see record labels knocking down his door. Things just aren't looking good for Blaze.

4. Unisonic - Unisonic

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Anything featuring Kai Hansen and Michael Kiske is going to be burdened by some expectations. Most reasonable people probably didn't expect the second coming of Keepers era Helloween, but I think most at least hoped for something that brought the two together in speedy, happy fashion again. Unfortunately, that was not in the cards. It almost seemed to be the case when the songs Unisonic and Souls Alive hit the net, but that was just good marketing. Those were the songs the fans wanted to hear (more or less), but those shiny singles were just hiding a whole lot of fluff. Basically, Unisonic was made of the kind of bland melodic rock Kiske favors these days. Not totally surprising, but those two sample tracks were a real tease. Kai Hansen's time could certainly be better spent.

3. Bloodbound - In The Name Of Metal

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The lesson of this album may be that sometimes it Is appropriate to judge a book (or CD) by it's cover. Just look at that shit and really take it in. What you see on the cover is Exactly what you get when you play the music inside. This is some of the cheesiest, most uninspired shit ever. Just the absolute dregs of power metal cliches and unlike Dream Evil, they fail to make it amusing or pull it off. Granted this band didn't always have the best lyrics, but this album just sounds like it didn't really have any ideas, but to scrape together the worst of the power metal genre's ideas.

2. Adrenaline Mob - Omerta

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I get that a musician has to pay the bills, but any blatant attempt at "selling out" isn't necessarily going to earn the favor of your fanbase. Such is the case with this Adrenaline Mob which seems more intent on breaking ear drums than thumbs. This is just such a waste of talent from it's members and it's quite frankly embarassing. Like the above Bloodbound album, this is a collection of terrible cliches. The only difference is that instead of power metal's worst this is nu-metal/radio rock's worst. That is a whole other level of suck.

1. Steve Harris - British Lion

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What's worse than selling out? Making an album this fucking awful for no god damn reason. Shit, Steve Harris didn't have to start another project to make money. He just Wanted to make this music. I hate saying bad about a metal god and there is no way this can diminish the man's legacy, but this is an atrocious album. It is unfathomable to me that Steve Harris actually wanted to work with castrato vocalist Richard Taylor to make the most boring modern rock ever. I think it's best for everyone if we just collectively pretend this never existed after the close of the year.